AC Adoptor
by Mortal Anonymous
Summary: Boomhauer is lost at sea, and gets rescued by pirates! Dale, Hank and Bill can't take Kahn's taunting on the hottest day ever, and plot to gain use of the Souphanousinphone's fancy new air conditioner.
1. Commercial break 1

**A/N:** Title is not a typo. I mean adoptor, as in adopt: to take up and make one's own.

This fic is based on a dream I had about Boomhauer getting lost at sea. Unfortunately, as I wrote this, the part based on the dream got kinda smooshed. But I do like how this turned out, even if I do think it gets a little weak in places. I also think I put in too much Dale for a group-based episode. Curse my inability to not use him as much as properly possible! I don't own the rights to Band-Aids. Enjoy the insanity! **A/N: END**

The sun beat down onto Arlen, Texas unmercifully. Its searing rays attacked all that is surveyed, and those standing outside the Hill residence were no exception.

Hank Hill took a sip of cold, refreshing beer and looked up at the sky.

"Yup," he commented, "it sure is a scorcher today."

"Scorcher?" Dale Gribble repeated skeptically, "Hank, this is not scorching. This is suffocating! My diaphragm spasms as we speak, though I am refusing to acknowledge it." He sipped his beer, then hiccupped.

"Yeah, I been breathin' kinda funny fer a while now." chipped in Bill Douterive, "Didn't want to say nothin' in case it were just me though."

Boomhauer merely nodded and wiped his brow with his beer can.

"Oh, come on guys, it's not _that_ bad out." Hank insisted, then asked incredulously, "Bobby, what in the _heck_'re you doin'?"

Hank's son, Bobby, has just crawled flat on his stomach around the edge of the fence surrounding the Hill's yard. He halted at his dad's ankles and flopped onto his side.

"It's too hot to stand up." Bobby groaned, "Dad, we gotta go to the beach.."

"What?" Hank started, "No we don't. Just go play with the hose or something."

"Oh, come on Hank," encouraged Bill, "the beach sounds like fun! It's got all that cold water..and, um..did I mention the cold water?"

"Ooo, and just think of all that stuff buried under the sand." added Dale, "It's a treasure trove just awaiting my discovery!"

"Dang ol' man talkin' 'bout them there, hot chicks man an' uh, yeah man." Boomhauer mumbled in support.

Hank looked at the four pleading faces staring in his direction and heaved a great sigh.

"Alright, fine." he caved in, "Everyone get what yer bringin' an' meet back here. I'll go tell Peggy."

"Um, Dad?" Bobby informed, "Mom's already in the car."

... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ...

The small cluster of cars pulled into the small beach lot and parked.

"Why're we comin' to the _beach,_ anyway?" Hank asked, getting out of Peggy's car, "The water park's a lot closer, we coulda just gone there."

"Well that's what everyone would've thought." Peggy told him, also getting out of the car, "And we all know how much fun a crowded theme park is on a hot day. None. You always say I should plan ahead more so zip your yap and have fun."

Hank was about to respond, but a series of klunks and bumps suddenly emanated from the Bugabego next to them. Everyone gathered around the van curiously. The noises settled down, but then the back doors burst open with a loud bang as they were kicked open, causing everyone to jump.

Dale jumped out of the van, covered in several strange looking gadgets. On his back was a very large, rectangular black pack covered in fancy dials and lights. In his hand, connected to the pack, was what looked like a very souped-up metal detector. He wore his orange jumpsuit and a smile.

"So, is everyone ready for some fun at the beach?" he enthused, "Huh, huh?"

He met with several stares.

"Dale, what in God's name is all that junk?" Hank gaped.

"Yeah man look like-look like one-a them mm Ghostbusters man mm talkin'-talkin' 'bout." mumbled Boomhauer.

"What, this?" Dale questioned, raising the detector, "It's just my beach scouring equipment. I've got my detector here for anything metallic, radioactive, living, or unusually viscous. And I've got my read-out printer slash activity monitor. You know, for traces of extraterrestrial and/or supernatural activity..just your standard equipment, really. Why, what did you bring?"

"Ugh, normal beach stuff." Scoffed Hank, then he sighed to the others, "Come on, let's go before we waste all day in the parking lot."

He walked off and the group followed, leaving Dale waving his arms after them.

"Waaaiit!" Dale called, "What do you mean 'normal beach stuff'? What're you _supposed_ to do at beaches?"

... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ...

Peggy had been right; most people went to the water park, so the beach was almost empty. She and Hank set up an umbrella and some blankets. Peggy stretched out in the sun, but Hank crouched in the safety of the umbrella's shade.

When Peggy tried to pull him into the sun he groused, "No. I never did understand sunbathing. The way to stay cool is to get _out_ of the heat, not roast in it."

Peggy rolled her eyes and shrugged, then lay back down and watched Bill and Bobby's water fight in the shallows.

The two splashed back and forth for a bit, then Bill pulled back and unleashed a huge splash with both arms. When the water fell away, Bobby had gone!

"Bobby? Where'd ya go?" Bill called, stupefied, then gasped, "Oh no! I've liquefied him!"

"Graaaah!" shouted Bobby as he splashed up behind Bill. Bill screamed and fell over.

"Sea monster!" he yelled, then saw who it was and chuckled, "Oh, I get it..you little scamp..!" He sent a splash Bobby's way and the fight resumed.

While they fought, Dale wandered by on the beach in front of them, headphones on and detector to the ground. His attention was narrowed strictly to the little electronic noises being fed to him. As he walked, the noises suddenly became rapid, and needles wavered violently as lights flashed. Dale looked up to see that his detector was hovering over an annoyed looking young lady. He checked his monitors.

"Hmmm.." he considered, then asked the girl, "Excuse me Miss, but are you, or have you ever been, an alien?"

She folded her arms in disgust.

"Ugh, that is like, the worst pick-up line ever!" she snorted. Her boyfriend next to her sat up.

"Hey, Spengler, get lost before I rip you in half!" he growled.

Dale noticed he also got readings for the guy. Ignoring the threat, he inquired, "How 'bout you, sir? Have you ever been an alien?"

The couple gave him twin looks of appall, then stood and walked away. Dale rubbed his chin in contemplation.

"Hmmm, very peculiar.." he said suspiciously, and returned to his investigations.

Boomhauer smiled, surveying all of the beach's action. He spotted a group of young surfers who were very good, but more importantly, were being adored by a cluster of pretty girls! Smile widening slightly, he walked over to the group.

"Hey man dang ol' Boomhauer man talkin' nice to meet you 'n talkin' 'bout all that jazz man." he greeted smoothly. The girls giggled madly.

"Ooo, another one!" one of them swooned.

"Hey cutie, do you surf too?" chirped another.

"Show us!" squealed a third.

"Yeah, yeah show us!"

"Hey now man ain't-ain't nothin' special y'know just wanted-come say hey man an' like.." Boomhauer shrugged sheepishly.

The three guys who'd been surfing coasted ashore. They smiled upon spotting Boomhauer and walked over.

"Dude, who's this? Fellow surfer brah?" asked one.

Boomhauer shifted shyly as the girls around him jumped up and down signaling yes.

"Gnarly brah! You gotta come hang a wave with us!" beamed a second guy. The others nodded.

Boomhauer didn't see a way out, so he half-smiled and nodded. Besides, if the girls liked it that much..

In no time, all four of them were out on the wave. Boomhauer surfed like a pro, drawing cheers from his companions and the girls on shore. He waved to the shoreline, and received several waves and a couple of blown kisses in return.

"Duuuude!" a panicked cry suddenly rang.

Boomhauer looked up to see one of his fellow wave riders approaching fast, and judging by the look on his face, he couldn't stop.

It was too late to move. The surfer collided with Boomhauer, unstabling him. He veered to the side and then disappeared. The other surfers hit shore and looked out over the water. Boomhauer was nowhere to be seen.

"Hey, what happened to that Boo-schnauzer guy?" one of the girls asked, coming over.

"Dunno brah." came the reply, "Think he mighta gone under."

The group milled around for a bit, wondering what to do next, then someone suggested a hot dog and they wandered off.

... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ...

The sun was starting to get low, so Hank ordered everybody to pack up. Reluctantly they complied. Dale, however, was thrilled about his day, and ranted to anyone holding still. Namely, Hank.

"I'm telling you Hank, this beach is a government breeding ground for captured alien specimens!" he raved, "My sensors went crazy around every person I came in contact with. Radioactivity must be seeping out from the underground laboratory..!"

Hank rolled his eyes.

"Are ya sure it's not just cuz they were alive?" he sighed, "You said that thing picked up stuff that's alive, right?"

"Ah, you'd think so!" Dale smirked, "I'd've thought so too if not for this hard evidence I collected."

He pulled out several plastic bags containing rusty old bottlecaps, assorted Band-Aids covered in grime, sandy ice cream and other questionable items.

"Ugh!" Hank cried, and backed away with his hands held up defensively. He retreated back to Peggy's car, where Bobby and Peggy were just finishing loading up.

"Alright, we're packed, let's go." he said hastily, opening the door.

"Wait a minute guys!" Bill suddenly called from the other side of the Bugabego, "I think somethin's wrong here..!"

"You mean besides Dale and his 'evidence'?" scoffed Hank as the group came over to see what Bill meant. Dale crossed his arms and 'hmph'ed.

Bill sat in the passenger's seat of Boomhauer's convertible, staring at the empty driver's side.

"What the-?" Hank started, "Where's Boomhauer?"

"That's what I think's wrong." Bill informed, "He ain't here."

"Quick, form a search party!" Peggy demanded, "Scour this beach from top to bottom!"

"I can help ya there!" Dale chipped in, holding up his detector.

"Now hold on a minute!" interjected Hank, "I don't think there's any cause for alarm. Boomhauer probably just, met some girl and, followed her home or something."

"But what about his car?" asked Bill.

"Well.." Hank fished around for an answer, rubbing the back of his head. "He must..trust you with it for some unfathomable reason."

Bill gasped.

"I get to drive Boomhauer's car?!" he shouted gleefully, jumping across the seat to grip the doorframe in his excitement. Hank recoiled.

"I..guess so.." he confirmed uneasily.

"Oh boy!"

"Right..let's just go.."

Everyone got into their vehicles and drove away. Bill had a huge grin on his face all the way home.


	2. Commercial break 2

It was evening when the small convoy reached home. Two of the cars parked, then Hank and Dale congregated to watch Bill attempt to park the convertible. Hank to make sure nothing happened, and Dale to catch it if something _did_ happen.

Dale lit a cigarette and said smiling, "..Bet ya five-to-one he scratches it."

Hank's eyes widened at the probable odds. He trotted over to Bill, who was inching toward Boomhauer's driveway, tongue out in concentration.

"Bill!" Hank waved, coming up next to him, "Bill, wait a minute. Maybe you'd better let someone else park that for ya. You haven't exactly had the best luck with other people's stuff.."

"Oh, that's alright, Hank. I can handle it!" assured Bill, "Look!"

He pulled the car forward slightly, and promptly knocked over Boomhauer's garbage cans.

"…Whoops."

"That's it Bill, get outta there!" Hank said, and quickly changed places with him. As Hank parked the car, Dale shot Bill a thumbs-up.

Just then, Dale's front door opened and an angry looking Nancy stuck her head out. "Dale, get in here! Joseph and I would like a word with you!"

Dale looked at her, then his van.

"Drat." he groused, "I knew I forgot to bring something."

... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ...

Out over the ocean, the sun cast its evening rays. In the water, a slight stirring occurred. Bubbles rose in a small, concentrated area, and Boomhauer erupted, gasping, from below the surface. A surfboard came up next to him, which he grabbed and pulled himself up to sit on. Casting his eyes over the water, he found that land was nowhere in sight.

"Dang ol', undertow man." he cursed to himself.

Looking around once more and deciding he wasn't going to be getting any help tonight, he stretched himself out on the surfboard and closed his eyes. In moments he was snoring.

... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ...

The sun rose over Arlen hotter than ever. The birds even heaved in the trees, too hot to call out.

Hank entered his kitchen for breakfast, wiping his brow with the back of his arm.

"Whew! Now this is hot." he commented to Peggy as he sat down.

"I know!" she agreed, "In fact it's the hottest. The news this morning said today is the hottest day ever recorded in Arlen. We've even entered a state of drought because of it." She plopped a couple of pancakes and sausages onto Hank's plate with a 'chink'.

"'Chink'?" he questioned, eyebrow raised. He poked a pancake with his fork. It was solid!

"I thought a cold breakfast might help." Peggy explained, "So after I cooked them, I froze them. But don't worry, if you don't like it, leave it out. With this heat it'll be done in about fifteen minutes." She cut into her own pancakes and chewed on a bite of one. It crunched loudly.

... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ...

Hank was outside pulling weeds. The sweat rolled down his face as he struggled with a particularly difficult dandelion. He tugged, and tugged, reaffirmed his grip, gave a final yank, and landed on his rear as the plant was uprooted.

"Ha! Got ya ya dang lawn killer." he gloated to the dead plant.

"What's this? Hank Hill, talking to flowers?" a voice cut in, "Heat must be getting to you, hillbilly neighbor!"

Hank looked up to see Kahn Souphanousinphone smirking at him from his own lawn.

"You so stupid." Kahn continued, "If you were smart, you'd stay inside, with air conditioner."

"Yeah, well if you're so smart why're you out here?" Hank countered, standing and dusting himself.

"Oh, I just come to tell you about my new home cooling system." Kahn shrugged.

"New home cooling system?" Hank couldn't help but ask.

"Yeees, new home cooling system!" Kahn sneered, "You know, yesterday, when all you hillbillies went to the beach? Well my family do smart thing. We go out and buy Mr. Freezeypants!"

Hank quirked an eyebrow.

"Mr. Freezeypants..?" he echoed.

"Yeees, Mr. Freezeypants. Brand name!" Kahn elaborated, "Now, thanks to cooling system, my house like Arctic!"

Hank's eyes glazed over as he thought about frozen tundras and snow banks.

"And you can't come use it!" Kahn shot meanly, and walked back to his house, cackling madly.

Hank frowned in a kind of sad shock. Deciding to shrug it off, he tried to go back to weeding, but in only a few moments threw down his handful of dandelions with a frustrated snort. He pulled off his gardening gloves and walked around to the alley, where Bill and Dale were already gathered. Taking a beer from the cooler, Hank noticed something still missing.

"So, Boomhauer not back yet?" he questioned.

"Nope." Dale shrugged.

"Don't seem like it." Bill added.

"Huh." Hank stated blandly, "So uh, yer still locked out of yer house, Dale? Everyone kinda heard.."

"Yup." nodded Dale, "But don't worry, I won't be mooching off you guys..I'm mooching off of Boomhauer, seeing as how he's not around to say no, or actually _use_ any of his stuff."

"Sounds reasonable to me!" chirped Bill.

"What? No it doesn't!" objected Hank, "Dale, ya can't use stuff without permission like that. It's practically stealing!"

"Practically." pointed out Dale, "Besides, you want me to come live with _you_?"

"…Good point; I withdraw my objection."

"I thought you might."

Silence settled over them.

"Yup." offered out Bill.

"Yup." agreed Dale.

"Yup." Added Hank, and sipped his beer. The silence stretched on, and at last he just had to ask, "So, uh, have either of you heard about Kahn's new cooling system?"

"Yes!" Bill pounced immediately, "Oh thank you Hank, I thought it'd never get brought up."

"Yeah, Kahn's been dancing in his window all morning, rubbing it in our faces." complained Dale, "We've been waiting for him to get to you so you could help us infiltrate."

"Infiltrate?" wondered Hank.

Dale gave a curt nod.

"Even I must admit this weather is a tad steamy. Kahn has the solution, which we must somehow obtain. Do you not wish to feel the icy waves of heat combating wonder?"

"Well.." Hank smiled into space, thinking of cold.

"That's as close as we're gettin' to a yes! When d'we start?" Bill interjected, beaming.

... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ...

Boomhauer slowly blinked his eyes open and sat up. He let out a yawn and cast his gaze to his surroundings. Frowning, he noted how he hadn't appeared to move at all. He let out a sigh.

Deciding to try getting himself ashore, he shielded his eyes and looked skyward. Using the sun to determine north, Boomhauer slipped off the board and, using it like a rather large kickboard, attempted to swim his way to where he approximated land to be. Unfortunately, he struggled.

"Dang ol'..current man..talkin'..getin' nowhere fast man." he told himself, panting.

After a few minutes, and seemingly not making any progress, he pulled himself back onto the board and flopped down in exhaustion. It was then that his stomach opted to tell him that it was hungry by rumbling loudly. Boomhauer glanced at it briefly before turning on his side and staring at the waters sadly.

... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ...

The small group of infiltration planners was gathered in the Hill's kitchen. Hank and Bill sat at the table while Dale stationed himself at the dry erase board.

"Ok, as self proclaimed leader, I get to come up with the first plan." Dale announced, picking up a marker, "Hank, as the brain, you will assess the possibility of execution and be in charge of material listing. Any questions so far?"

"Oo! Oo!" Bill raised his hand. "What part am I? Somethin' cool I hope."

"Mmmm-no." replied Dale, "You're..more like an appendix. Expendable and..not much else."

"Neat." Bill grinned, "I'm expendable."

Hank rolled his eyes at the two.

"Judging from your eye roll, I should just get on with it, shouldn't I?" Dale noted.

"Sometime today if you don't mind." Hank huffed.

"Very well. Prepare yourself for the master of all master plans planned by master planners!" Dale said ominously, and started drawing on the board as he narrated. "Here is our goal: the icy recesses of the Souphanousinphone house. I suggest that we dig a tunnel from here, Hank's shed, (nice and inconspicuous) surface inside the residence here at point B, sleep gas the family, tie them to a tree outside or something, and then bask in the frigid waves of victory!"

Here he drew three little happy stick figures dancing in the Souphanousinphone's living room.

Hank looked as Dale's expectant face, and said plainly, "That has _got_ to be the absolute _worst_ plan you or anyone else has ever come up with."

Dale sagged sadly, and just then Peggy walked into the room. She paused, eyeing the dry erase board and then the group.

"Alright, somebody tell me." she demanded, "What is going on here?"

"Um, well y'see Peggy.." Hank stumbled, "We're just uh, we're.."

"We're gonna sneak into Kahn's house so we can use his fancy air conditioner!" Bill blabbed.

Peggy gasped.

"The Mr. Freezeypants?" she asked, "The one that Minh will not shut up about?"

"The very same." Dale confirmed, "Those frozen britches will soon be in our clutches."

"Hmph. Not with that plan they're not." Peggy told him, "You need to be more subtle, and up front. As in, front door up front. The front door is the most direct portal into any household."

"Peggy, what're you talkin' about?" Hank questioned.

"You'll see." she smiled mischievously, "But first, who wants a frozen sandwich? I was just about to get one."

"Me!" Dale and Bill shouted in unison, arms shooting up.

"Ugh.." Hank shuddered.

... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ...

Soon, Peggy was standing outside the Souphanousinphone's house, and the others were hiding at the end of the walkway. Hank and Bill were behind the fence; Dale had encased himself in one of the rose bushes.

Taking a breath to ready herself, Peggy rang the doorbell. After a few seconds the door opened to reveal Minh, who wore a light blue wool turtleneck over her usual clothes.

"Oh it's you Peggy Hill. What do you want?" was Minh's greeting.

Peggy closed her eyes briefly as the cold from inside spilled into the outdoors, sighing happily.

"What you want?" Minh asked again, more insistently.

"Oh. Right." Peggy started, reverting back to reality, "Well, I just thought I'd come over, pay you a visit, that sort of thing."

"Well visit payed. Now go away." Minh answered, and attempted to close the door.

"Wait!" Peggy exclaimed, stopping the door, "I, uh, need to use your bathroom! Mine's quarantined."

Minh gave her a strange look, but then her face stretched into a sly grin.

"Ooooh, I get it." she smirked, "Hillbillies want to use new home cooling system.." She was about to say more, but Dale suddenly erupted from his hiding spot.

"She's on to us!" he yelled, "Storm the house!"

"Aaaaah!" Minh shrieked, "Gribble! Get out of my roses this instant!"

Dale, who had tried to rush the house, found himself tangled and instead fell over.

"Oooww!" he cried as he landed in more thorns.

Peggy took this as the moment to retreat. She ran down the path, and yanked Dale out of the bushes along the way while calling, "Fall back! Back to the war room, hut two!"

"War room?" Hank echoed as he trotted after her.

Back in the Hill's kitchen, Peggy paced back and forth tersely in front of the table, around which Hank, Dale and Bill sat somewhat nervously.

"Ok, the friendly approach didn't work." Peggy raved, "So, let's try the sympathy approach. Somebody go get Bobby and we can stage a heat stroke. Kids always win sympathy points. Or wait, Connie might let us in. We could try the sensitive approach. Or better yet, a distraction!"

"Excuse me," Dale interrupted, "but as leader, I must remind you that you've already used your turn. If we make it through a round, then you can make another plan, but-"

Peggy snarled viciously.

"Gih!" Dale cringed, and fell silent.

Hank sighed.

"How 'bout we just ask to come in really nicely?" he suggested, "I'm sure if they're not riled up, they'll see how uncomfortable we are and see the error of their ways. Then we can all enjoy the cooling system without hassle."

There was a moment of silence, then everyone but Hank burst out laughing.

"Good one Hank." Bill grinned, "Minh and Kahn, seein' the 'error of their ways'.."

"Yeah, that'll be the day." agreed Dale.

"I'm serious!" Hank insisted, effectively silencing the room.

"..Really?" Dale asked.

"Come on Hank, you know that won't work." Peggy told him, "Minh and Kahn just walk all over manners."

"I'm telling you, calm, logical and to the point's the best way to go." Hank countered, "Come on, I'll prove it to ya." He stood.

... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ...

SLAM! Kahn slammed the door in Hank's face.

"Told ya!" Dale announced sardonically. The others nodded. "By the way, this counts as your turn."

Hank gave an annoyed glare and walked off.

"So, Bill.." Dale went on, throwing an arm over his friend's shoulders, "You work for the army. Pick up any secret war tactics that might help us?"

"Nope. Sorry." Bill shrugged, "Barber's don't usually get to do much in that area."

"So?! Why should that stop you?" demanded Dale, then muttered, "Appendix."

Peggy just quirked an eyebrow.

... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ...

Tweeeeet!

Boomhauer sat up, alert.

Tweeeeet!

He looked around, but saw nothing. He whacked the side of his head a couple of times, thinking maybe his ears were ringing or he was hearing things.

Tweeeeet!

Boomhauer looked around again, but this time he spotted something far off on the horizon. He shielded his eyes and squinted, trying to see, and the next second his eyes widened in shock at what they saw. An old fashioned schooner ship was sailing toward him! He shook his head, fearing hallucination, but the ship remained, and the ship whistle sounded again. As it pulled up near him, a modern day life preserver was thrown over the side to him.

"Avast there! Grab hold!" a voice called.

Boomhauer didn't argue. Smiling, he grabbed the floatation ring, and almost immediately was hauled up. As he emerged over the side, however, his expression changed once more to surprise and confusion. The ship was filled with men and a few women wearing poofy shirts, assorted jewelry and hats.

"Well hello!" greeted a cheerful man in a fancy coat and hat. He also wore an eyepatch. Coming forward to shake Boomhauer's hand he went on, "Welcome aboard _The Playwright_. I'm Captain Herschel. What say we get ya some real clothes and a bite, eh lad?"

Boomhauer's eyes slid back and forth, wondering what kind of weirdoes these people were, but he nodded anyway, and was led below deck to a galley.

... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ...

Boomhauer tugged at his poofy white shirt with one arm, and held an apple, which he was presently chewing, in the other.

He was seated in the captain's office, across from the captain's desk. He'd just finished telling Captain Herschel about how he'd been swept out to sea by the undertow. The captain sympathized, and said he'd gladly drop Boomhauer off back in Arlen. Boomhauer nodded thanks at that, but one thing was still unclear.

"So man dang ol'-what is this place man talkin' 'bout-what you doin' like?" he inquired.

The captain's smile stayed frozen on his face as it looked like he mulled something over, and then fell flat as 'Herschel' gripped his jacket lapels.

"I really shouldn't be breaking character," he stated, "but whatever, I'm the captain. Ahem. My friend _this_, is _The Playwright_, an exact replica of an actual 16th century schooner ship and _we_, are her loyal crew. We are an acting club, and this week we're reenacting the age of piracy! I play the friendly but totally insane Captain Herschel. My crew never knows what I'll do next. Lots of ad-libbing. Exciting scenario, don't you think?"

Boomhauer shrugged slightly, feeling a bit uneasy.

"Well I thought so." Herschel shrugged in return, then changed his posture and expression as he got back into character. "So, now ya know, lad. And just so ye know somethin' else: as long as yer on this ship, yer _part_ of her crew. So until we find the time to return you to yer land of 'Arlen', you be a swabbie, ya hear?"

He thrust a mop that was next to his desk at Boomhauer. Boomhauer took it nervously, dropping his apple in the process.

... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ...

Dale drummed his fingers on the Hill's kitchen table in irritation. Once more the group was trying to come up with a plan, this time around a meal.

It was Bill's turn to come up with something, and it was taking him so long that dinnertime was upon them; so Peggy decided to just serve everybody along with her family.

No one said a word. The sound of Dale's fingers was all that broke the silence as everyone stole glance after glance at Bill, who chewed thoughtfully on a hunk of frozen well done steak.

At last, Dale couldn't take it anymore. Jamming a fork into his frozen mashed potatoes he burst, "_God_ Bill, don't you have _anything?_ It's been like six hours!"

Bill flinched.

"Uh, no." he informed guiltily. Everyone groaned, and apologetically Bill said, "I'm not good at formulatin' fancy elaborate plans." He looked at his plate.

"We could try to lure 'em out with food.." he offered, holding the plate up, "That works on me sometimes."

"Alright, that does it." Dale declared, "As leader, I declare an open floor. If anyone has a plan, say so. Even you, Bobby."

"Oh, cool!" Bobby exclaimed, "Uhh, we could send out a peace offering, but then sneak in while they're busy with it. We read about these Trojan guys one time in history class who tried that, and it worked perfectly. They killed everyone!"

"We're not tryin' to _kill_ anyone here Bobby." lectured Hank. He sighed. "Does anyone else have something we haven't tried..?"

Looks were exchanged, but no one had anything.

"A-_hem.._" smirked Dale gloatingly, drawing attention to himself, "_if_ no one else has anything, then I believe it is time to try _my_ plan."

Hank scoffed and rolled his eyes, but the rest of the table's faces eagerly lit up.

... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ...

"I can't believe we're doin' this." voiced Hank, the only one not digging in the half-done tunnel, "In fact, I can't believe you talked me into de-flooring my shed like this."

"So you've been repeating for the past hour." Dale responded in annoyance, "We got it, you have morals. Now either start helping us dig, or no Mr. Freezeypants for you."

"But this way just doesn't seem right. M-Maybe I should go try talkin' to 'em again." Hank suggested.

"Hank," Peggy addressed, pausing in her shoveling, "do you _want_ to die tomorrow? I heard it's supposed to reach a hundred and twelve! We _need_ that air conditioner, Hank. Need it!" She returned to her attack on the dirt in front of her.

Hank fidgeted, looking back and forth from the team (now including Bobby) to the exit. After a brief internal struggle, he scrunched his eyes shut, sighed, and picked up a shovel. His teammates smiled at him as he began digging next to them.


	3. Commercial break 3

Early the next morning, back out at sea, the loud clanging of a bell jerked Boomhauer rudely from his sleep. Grunting in surprise, he spilled out of his below deck hammock. Around him, his shipmates crawled more easily from their sleeping places, being used to the noise.

After a quick morning routine the crew assembled on deck. Boomhauer noticed how there was hardly any light. Why, they must have only gotten three hours of sleep, tops!

"Hey man why we got-get up s'dang early man?" Boomhauer mumbled drowsily, "Mm talkin' 'bout-sore muscles man, workin' all yesterday dang ol'-_tired_ man..!"

The blonde man next to him wearing a blue bandana and a red waist sash heard him. Turning to talk he whispered cautiously, "That's how it always is under Captain Herschel. Twenty one hour days, back-breaking labor, insane demands. We hate him!" He glanced around before continuing, "That's why we're plotting a mutiny. In fact, it's scheduled to go off today. Now, you've only gotten a taste of our misery, but how'd you like to help?"

Boomhauer was taken aback by the offer.

"I dunno man, talkin' 'bout dang ol'-know nothin' 'bout mutiny man." he shrugged, hoping to be dubbed unworthy.

"All you have to do is attack stuff and beat up the captain! How hard is that?" asked the man incredulously, "Come on, we need all the help we can get. And if you help, we'll even make it our top priority to get you back where you came from."

Boomhauer looked at the man's sly grin, and felt that familiar feeling of being cornered. Not seeing a way to avoid being drafted, or a faster way home, he sighed and nodded in submission.

... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ...

Above deck in the crow's nest, the sun now high enough to glare in his eyes, Boomhauer scrubbed away at the bird poo caked onto the wood. Being a swabbie wasn't the best job in the world, he'd noted.

He looked down for a moment, and saw the pirates slowing down, dropping what they were doing and exchanging nods. Boomhauer knew it was time for the mutiny.

BANG! A gun went off near the sprit of the ship.

Boomhauer flinched, then ducked under the lip of the crow's nest as the ship erupted beneath him, shouts and people everywhere. Maybe, he thought, he could avoid the whole thing if he just layed low. Or high, as the case may be.

Below, he heard Captain Herschel burst from his quarters, roaring, and began to fire blanks left and right. The people he aimed at cried out in melodramatic pain, then fell to the deck, their characters spent. Once out of guns, Herschel pulled out his rapiers. Pretend stabbing anyone who came near him, he backed up the stairs to the steering wheel to gain an uphill advantage.

"Come, ye sea dogs!" he called, "Come, and have at you!"

Several revolters came forth to try and knock him down. After a brief, slow and fake looking swordfight, every opponent dropped back down, creating a small pile of 'dead' bodies.

"Topple the mizzen mast!" shouted someone, "Crush him!" He was met with a rally of cheers, and with his eyes widened, Boomhauer realized that the mizzen mast was the one he was sitting in!

As his perch began jerking to and fro, Boomhauer staggered to pull his head over the edge of the crow's nest. He managed to stand, and leaned over towards the pirates attacking the mast's base.

"Talkin' 'bout dang ol'-WHOAH man..!" he tried yelling to them, but he was too quiet, and they continued their onslaught.

The mast jerked suddenly the wrong way, and Boomhauer found himself tossed from the tiny look-out. His hands grabbed wildly as he spilled from it, and managed to find a rope from one of the sails before he fell far at all. He was about to sigh in relief, but just then the pulley system went into action, sending him plummeting once more. The sudden action also caused the rope to snap, turning Boomhauer's plummet into a swing.

He had the crew's attention now…screaming as loudly as he got, Boomhauer swung directly for Captain Herschel, quite unintentionally, and looking very much like a scene from the movie classic, Peter Pan. The only difference being that his scream was from horror, not confidence.

He closed his eyes bracingly as he collided with the captain. The two went down behind the helm, and the rope went slack. The crew waited with bated breath to see who would arise victorious.

After a moment, a back clothed in white emerged over the wheel, closely followed by a groaning Boomhauer who was rubbing his head. He felt something in his other hand, and brought it up to see what it was. His eyebrows raised as the ship's crew erupted into a wave of cheers. Boomhauer was holding Captain Herschel's hat! He looked down at the unconscious man, then at the crew. The crew slowly stopped cheering, and instead started up a chant of 'Hail ye, new captain!'

Glancing again from hat to crew, Boomhauer sighed, shrugged, then placed the hat on his head.

"Dang ol' talkin' 'bout-to Arlen man!" he called in his best commanding voice, one finger pointing over the waters.

The pirates exchanged glances, but then scattered to obey.

... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ...

The schooner pulled up along the beach Boomhauer had first washed away from. Being too large to actually pull up to it, the ship floated a couple hundred feet offshore.

"What the-?" noted a pirate, "Hey, this place doesn't even seem pillagable! What's goin' on here?"

Boomhauer walked down the stern's steps and came to the side rail.

"'S the way t' dang ol' Arlen man talkin' 'bout-where I come from. Dang ol' that guy said comin'd be mm top priority man." he explained, pointing to the man he'd talked to that morning.

The crew turned as one to glare at the man.

"Well that was _before_ I knew he'd be the new captain, now wasn't it?" the man said indignantly.

"Well a ship has to have a captain!" a woman pirate stated, "If we let _him_ go then who's left?"

Snarls of consent rose up at that.

"I vote we mutiny again!" input someone.

"Aye! And toss 'em both off! Windle deserves it just as much."

Roars of agreement. Boomhauer and the man he'd pointed out were cornered. Someone took the hat from Boomhauer's head, and then the both of them were grabbed by several pairs of arms. The two were lifted up, swung a couple of times, then heaved over the schooner's side.

Down, down they fell, before landing with a large splash in the water. After resurfacing and catching their breath, the two turned and swam for shore. Behind them the crew yelled and whistled victoriously. By the time Boomhauer and the man called Windle reached the shore and looked back, the schooner was headed off over the horizon.

"I believe I've just been expelled." Windle observed, his accent changing from British to American. He sighed and attempted to straighten his sodden clothes. "Well I suppose this leaves me free to do that cereal commercial in Austin I wanted to. That acting club takes up way too much time, I tell ya." He gave his shirt a final shake and turned to leave.

"You got a dang ol'-car man?" Boomhauer asked, both surprised and hopeful.

Turning back, Windle gasped, "What?! No, I'm an actor, not a lawyer. I don't even own my soul! Nah, I'll just hitchhike where I need to go. That or hijack a bus 'r somethin'."

Boomhauer blanched slightly, then waved off, "Uh ok man then talkin' dang ol'-bye man..!"

Windle rolled his eyes, shook his head and walked off. Boomhauer let out a breath of relief, glad Windle hadn't asked him to assist in a hijacking 'or something'.

However, deciding that hitchhiking seemed the fastest way home, Boomhauer made his way to the road, where it wasn't long until a teenager-filled convertible picked him up.

... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ...

Boomhauer smiled and waved thanks as the teenagers pulled away from his driveway. Now quite ready for a nap, he turned to go to the house and saw his overturned garbage cans. He gripped his temples and groaned, but walked over to them. He started to straighten them out, then suddenly noticed some weird noises coming from across the street. He looked up, but saw nothing. Looking first to his trash, then to the source of the noises and then to his house, his face became weary.

"Dang ol'-sort out all this noise an' like tomorrow man talkin'-got t' get some dang ol' sleep 'fore I get all-talkin' wrapped up in shenanigans man..!" he groaned, and waved off his garbage and the noise in a 'pfeh' manner. He walked into his house to get some much needed post-adventure rest, and to change out of that dang poofy pirate outfit!

... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ...

"I think we're almost there!" Bill exclaimed, "Boy I can't wait."

"We'd probably be there already if _some_ of us hadn't overslept _Bill, Hank and Bobby._" Dale accused, "At least Peggy seems to be taking this seriously."

"Ugh, I don't think that midnight to five AM is the proper timeslot for sleep." Hank scoffed.

"It is when you're on a mission..!" retorted Dale.

Just then a 'thunk' came from behind them as Peggy's shovel made contact with something solid. The group came forward interestedly as she brushed off the obstacle, revealing a flat, gray surface.

Peggy gasped happily. "We've made it."

"Then stand back." said Dale as he came forward, pulling a bottle from his pocket. "This stuff even gets _near_ your eye and you'll never see again. Or have eyes for that matter."

Peggy stepped back.

Dale pulled the top from the bottle, which turned out to also be a dropper. He applied a couple squirts of the bottle's contents to the basement floor, and then stood back, smiling, as a large hole came to be with a hiss. Then Dale pulled some folded cloth from another pocket, flapped it open, and covered part of the hole's rim before hoisting himself up through it.

"We're in." he informed coolly.

As she prepared to follow, Peggy noted, "You sure are prepared, huh?"

"Is there another way to be?" returned Dale before helping Peggy through the hole.

As Hank came forward he sighed sadly. "A perfectly good cement flooring, ruined. Terrible. Just terrible."

He was ignored and yanked through the hole by four arms.

... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ...

"Ok, let's make this a total blitzkrieg. No less than five minutes. Peggy, you take the kitchen. Hank, you take attic. Bill, bedrooms, and Bobby, you get whatever's left." Dale assigned the group crouching at the basement door. They nodded, and Dale continued, "Flush 'em into the living room, where I will be waiting with the rope and sleep gas. Ready?"

Before anyone, most likely Hank, could object to anything, Dale burst through the door shouting "S'go!" and the team dispersed throughout the house. In no time, the shrieks and Laos curses of the Souphanousinphones rang through the house as they saw their home infested with hillbillies.

Crashes came rapidly as Minh threw projectiles at Bill, who'd found her. Bill ran from Minh, who pursued mercilessly, into the assigned meeting room. He dove behind the sofa as Kahn emerged from another entrance, engaged in an intense mop-and-broom fight with Peggy.

"Ahhh! More hillbillies!" Minh shouted, enraged. She lunged forward, ready to break Peggy's skull open with a vase, but Dale sprang from behind her and pinned her arms with rope.

Minh gasped. "Gribble! I should have known you behind this! Untie me right now you stupid redneck, so I can break your stupid red neck!"

"Sorry, no can do." Dale answered. He finished his last knot and gently shoved her onto the couch, where she spat very rude sounding Laos at him. Bill scrambled to hide elsewhere.

Bobby and Hank entered the room from their respected areas.

"Connie doesn't seem to be here." Bobby announced, a hint of relief in his voice, "I've checked every room I can think of. Nothin'."

"That's alright, just means less trouble." Dale assured, then cheered to Peggy, "Woohoo, yeah! Knock him down, s'go, s'go!"

Hank stared in shock at the fierce battle before him. Shaking his head sharply he demanded, "Peggy?? What in the hell're you doin'?! That is not the proper use of a cleaning implement..!"

Not looking at him, practically spitting fire, Peggy cried out with each smack of wood on wood, "I know that! I'm..trying..to..win..us..what..we..came for!!"

With one last wide, wild swing, she robbed Kahn of his mop and sent him backwards over the couch arm. Hank winced and Dale whooped in appraisal before rushing forward to secure the angry man. Once finished, he straightened and pointed to the kitchen, exclaiming, "Out of the room, quick!"

The group hustled to comply, and Dale hurriedly pulled the pin from a black grenade-resembling thing pulled from yet another pocket. He threw the already leaking piece from him in fear, and then quickly joined the others in the kitchen.

"Made it myself. Chloroform bomb." he responded to the questioning faces with a smile and a thumbs-up.

"Does that mean it's safe to come out?" Bill's voice came from under the table, and his head peeked out cautiously.

Loud coughing came from the living room, followed by a 'thud' as one of the Souphanousinphones fell from the couch, and an eerie silence.

"Yes Bill, it is safe to come out now." Peggy said warmly, and Bill smiled and stood up next to his teammates.

A silence thick as soup ensued as they basked in what they had just done.

"..Wow." Bill said at last, to which Bobby nodded and agreed, "Wow."

Dale gasped in sudden shock. "Oh my god I just realized!"

"What? What?! Did we forget something?" Peggy asked frantically.

"No! I just realized that this the first time, like _ever_, that one my schemes has actually _worked!_ Usually some unforeseen event, or Hank, stops me before I can really get anywhere."

Hank scowled at the remark, but stayed silent. Dale went on.

"This calls for celebration!" he beamed, "Raid the fridge, crank that hard earned A/C to maximum! Warp factor nine, people, full speed ahead!"

Everyone but Hank cheered and spread out. Hank raised an eyebrow at Dale.

"You watch 'Star Trek'?" he inquired.

"Eh. Research." Dale shrugged, and lit a cigarette. He didn't elaborate, but as the shot faded to black he did add, "Hope they don't call the cops when they wake up.."

"Guh!" Hank exclaimed, previously not realizing that danger.


End file.
